Sacrifice
by AthrunYuy
Summary: Rodney gains a new insight on how far he'll go to save the ones he loves. (rated M just in case)


Sacrifice  
By: Athrun Yuy  
Summary: McShep 1st time PG-13: What lengths will you go to; to save the one you love?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of SGA sadly.

AN: I came across this in my archives and couldn't believe I haven't submitted it yet. As you are probably all aware, all mistakes are mine; I apologize in advance but hopefully there aren't too many. Please enjoy and comments are always welcome :) cheers!

For once it wasn't his idea to check out a possible lead for new information. One of Teyla's sources had overheard of such a place of knowledge. No one knows of the specifics surrounding the address, few dare to speak of it let alone dial it. Some cultures even forbid it. So it wasn't Rodney's idea to check into it, but their new leader of Atlantis, Sam, being a scientist, urges SGA-1 to investigate. A 'sure why not' from John was all it took to get them where they are now, mission ready and standing in front of the Gate.

"Come on Rodney. Aren't you at least a bit intrigued to find out what this 'knowledge' talk is all about?" John asks knocking his shoulder to Rodney's in an easy-going gesture.

"Hum, I'm not getting my hopes up." He sighs, nudging John back drawling a genuine smile from the Colonel. "For all we know, it's going to be a wild goose chase and the only thing we'll have gain from this is a day wasted in hiking."

"If all we're going to be doing is chasing a goose around at least it'll do you some good, McKay." Ronon's out of the norm input has Teyla trying not to crack a smile but failing miserably and causes John's donkey laugh that Rodney swears is retarded but can't help but love and a McKay special glare pointed especially back at Ronon.

"Oh, ha ha, see who's laughing when I have to save the day with my quick thinking instead of my agility." Rodney crosses his arms in annoyance at being the butt end of every team joke, but seeing everyone in a good mood, Rodney decides to let it go just this once.

"What's the worst that can happen? We find nothing and come back in time for dinner." John shrugs placing a hand on Rodney's shoulder looking about his team with ease.

Rodney can feel the heat flow through him from where John's hand is laying, his brain burning it into memory. Taking a deep breath Rodney pushes away any more thoughts about John and his hands or this mission will be over before it begins. "Dial it up, Chuck!" He calls over his shoulder giving the Chucknician a swirl of his hand.

"Hey that's my line." John protests with a pout. His grin ruins the effect.

"You snooze, you lose." Rodney corks an eyebrow at him mockingly.

"Boys, let us save this for after our mission." Ever the diplomat; Teyla intervenes with a shake of her head as the Gate wooshes into existence.

Stepping through the Gate makes their ears ring. The silence is eerie. Before them they see trees few and far between and wide open fields. The sky is a stormy gray and the wind blows but there is no sound of rustling leafs and no signs of animal life either; the sound of the Gate shutting down nearly makes them all jump in anticipation. John clears his throat to test his own voice and is relieved to find that the silence is only around them. "Do you have anything Rodney?"

Rodney shakes off the dreadful feeling taking residence in his stomach to answer John's question. "There's an energy signature a half kilometer north of here."

"Alright, let's move out. This place gives me the creeps." John motions with his hand and the group goes to their normal formation of Rodney firmly in the middle and Ronon taking up their six. The journey from there stays quiet with all three military high on guard and Rodney checking his scanner.

They are not ten minutes from the Gate when they are suddenly consumed by what can only be described as thick air and shadows and hit with a wave of dizziness. Within one blink they are no longer in an open field but a castle like torch lit room complete with stone walls and floors.

"What just happened?" John asks quickly shaking off his dizzy spell to circle his position with his P-90 raised.

"I don't know." Rodney replies frantically checking his scanner and finding no power what so ever reaching the devise. "We've been transported somewhere, but I have no idea where or how seeing as how wherever we are, is blocking the life of the LSD."

"What?"

"Look. No power." Rodney shows John who is looking over his shoulder.

"This can't be good."

The firelights flicker for just a moment as if there is a breeze but they feel none, then suddenly a bright light appears in the center of the room reveling a person in a long white robe, pale and with no facial expression. Teyla tries for the normal greeting but is silenced from speaking at a wave from the man before them.

"You have come seeking knowledge." The mans monotone voice cuts through the stillness in the air.

"Yes; we are hoping that you may have any information to help us in our defiance against the Wraith." Teyla speaks up from her position beside John.

"You are trespassing. We do not allow visitors into the temple of the Ancestors." He goes on to say as if he hadn't heard or cared for what Teyla has to say.

"We kind of stumbled into said temple." John clarifies trying to keep his annoyance at the man in check. "We have no idea how we got in here."

"Only ones of heritage is able to access our temple." The man explains shifting his eyes from John to Rodney, seemingly sensing their ATA gene.

"Will you please except our apologies in trespassing?" Teyla asks hoping to defuse another cultural misunderstanding.

The man tilts his head, eyes zoning in on John, giving Rodney a bad feeling on what's about to happen. He isn't disappointed. "You're trespassing cannot go ignored. They will not allow it without a price of a sacrifice."

"Sacrifice?" Rodney gasps looking worriedly to his team mates, John in particular, seeing as how the man has yet to look away from him.

"We mean no harm…" Teyla tries to speak up but is once again cut off by the man raising his hand; but instead of him silencing her, a bright light is projected from his palm shooting directly into John's chest.

Rodney can hear John's sharp intake of breath as his body falls lifeless. Everything goes into slow motion as he whips around in time to catch John's weight bringing them both to the floor. He can vaguely see Teyla crouch down on John's other side and Ronon standing with his gun pointed at the man in white, but he only has eyes for John. His beautiful, playful hazel eyes are now close and he's quickly growing pale. Teyla's fingers check for a pulse and she leans down to check his breathing. Finding no response from either she sits back on her heels in shock, her eyes round in alarm as she looks to Rodney saying exactly what he doesn't want to hear without the use of her words.

Shaken, Rodney pushes her aside to do his own check to confirm her fears. Teyla stands raising her P-90 as Rodney frantically looks John over. Nothing, there is no life; John is dead. Instantly taken away from him in a flash of light.

_No, no…nononononono! This can't be happening! Not like this! It's against the rules, John can't die without me. He just can't! I won't allow this! _Rodney's growl of sudden anger startles those around him. His knuckles clinched to John's vests have long gone white and now his trembles of fear are turning to shakes of anger. "Bring him back." He snarls slowly rising to his feet finally letting go of John to lie on the floor at his feet. He's been pist before but never has he been this raged. Ronon reaches out to pull on his arm but he is easily shrugged loose from a force Rodney has never imagined he processed. "I said bring him back." Rodney all but spat out turning the glare of all glares towards the one responsible. "NOW!" his yell echoes off the stone walls in such a force that Teyla steps back towards Ronon.

"We will have our sacrifice." The robed man reiterates. Slight emotion shows through the more Rodney's glare is pointed in his direction and Rodney can't help but feel smug at the reaction he is causing from the previous façade the man was trying to pull off.

"If you need a sacrifice to appease whatever God's you think you need to please than you had better take me in his place or I swear to you you will be joining them soon." Rodney's venomous threat sparks a calculated tilt of the man's head.

"Rodney." Teyla gasps from behind him but is quickly quieted by his fist being raised. Teyla has been around the marines enough to know what the hand signal represents and Rodney is grateful he doesn't have to turn his anger towards her as well.

"We have chosen…"

"Then you have chosen wrong and you will pay dearly for it if you do not rectify it." Rodney's tone grows impatient. He can't help but notice the shakes vibrating through his body. He's pretty sure it's purely caused by the pounding of his heart. He doesn't dare look back at John; if he were to now, he knows he'll crumble to dust right there in front of everyone and all of this would be for nothing. Rodney's determined not to let John down now. If there is even a slight chance of a reversal he'd be damned if he doesn't make it happen.

He owes John so much. The crazy haired pilot lying behind him gave him life after years of alluding himself into thinking he needed nothing but his work. John gave him his sister back and among that a family at home. People he cherishes more than he ever thought he would; a real family. And if it weren't for John he'd never have felt belonged. He owes him his life.

"You will take his place?" The monotone voice cuts through his thoughts.

"For him, gladly." Rodney tells him without hesitation. The tilting of the man's head makes Rodney want to lash out but instead he violently shoves the sleeves of his uniform jacket up his arms to keep him from leaving his spot.

"I see that there is more to this man than loyalty." The man says looking at Rodney as if he can see through his soul, and perhaps he can. "He is different to you."

At the man's words of wisdom, Rodney feels himself deflate, but only just. "Yes." He admits. He has known for some time now that his love for the Colonel runs deeper than friendship. It is nothing new to him and he finds now is no time to deny it. If his actions weren't clues enough, he doesn't know what else is.

"You shall take his place." The man orders raising his hand once again the way he had done to John before.

"Wait!" the man haults, cocking his head to the side once again. "I need to see him. Bring him back first."

"As you wish." The light shines in a beam towards John and in an instant it's gone.

Teyla crouches at John's side hesitant to take her eyes away from Rodney and checks for a pulse. "He is breathing." She confirms.

"The effects shall wear off shortly." The man informs them.

Rodney wastes no time getting back to John sliding down on his knees. He touches his fingers to his neck and is dizzy with relief at the small thud pounding against his tips. "Thank you, thank you." He whispers to no one as he squeezes out the tears that he has been holding back.

"Come now."

"Please, just one moment." Rodney asks looking back at the man, receiving a nod in response.

"Rodney." Teyla gains his attention pulling his forehead to hers over top John's limp form.

"I know, I know, but I have to do this." He tells her begging her to understand. She nods releasing him as Ronon slaps a hand down hard on Rodney's back.

Rodney looks up at him unsure of what to say. "Sheppard's going to be pretty mad."

"I'm sure he will." Rodney nods and doesn't envy their position. "But hopefully someday he'll understand." He says holding Ronon's steal gaze. Something like pride shines through to him making him confident that he is making the right decision. "One more thing."

"Anything." Teyla tells him. The tears in her eyes seem unnatural to him and he has to shake himself away from the shame of knowing he had brought her to this point.

"Do whatever it takes, but….don't tell him what I did. Please." Rodney begs them looking between the both of them. He can tell that Ronon doesn't like the idea of not telling Sheppard the extent of Rodney's sacrifice, but if this is his last request, he has to honor it; and so he nods grimly before looking away. "Teyla?"

"If that is what you wish, but know that he will eventually find out one way or another." She says clasping his hands with hers over top of John's chest.

He can accept that. After all John wasn't ignorant. But at least by the time he finds out the truth, Rodney will be long gone. "Thank you guys both. You don't know how much you mean to me."

"We do Rodney. It is the same for us." Teyla says looking to Ronon who nods in agreement.

Rodney nods looking back down at John. He is among family, so he doesn't feel a bit awkward by them seeing him like this. John, how can one say goodbye to someone like him. Rodney traces the sides of his sleeping face with his hands before going over brow, eyes, cheeks, nose, mouth; everything is burned into his memory. He wants John to be the last thing he sees before he dies, so he paints a picture of the way he looks now, sleeping peacefully completely unaware of the dilemma they are currently in. Once he is sure he has the image he wants he captures John's hand in his and leans down and kisses him gently on the lips. With a shaky breath he pulls back enough to rest his cheek against Johns so he can whisper in his ear. "So long, John." He wants to stay right here forever, but the man's voice saying 'it's time' forces him to relinquish his hold on the love of his life.

Rodney stands slowly nodding once more at Teyla and Ronon before turning his back on them. Watching them leave would be harder. "I'm ready, send them back." He doesn't have to look to know that his three team mates are no longer among them; he can feel the air behind him thicken. Now, he was truly alone, and where he'd normally be frightened out of his mind, he feels oddly calm. John was going to live. That fact alone gives him strength to follow through with what's in store for him.

According to Teyla his return was only 40 minutes after their arrival. To his own luck they hadn't had the time to give Sam their full briefing so coming up with a suitable reason for his delayed return hadn't been too hard especially with Ronon and Teyla backing him up. Sam was none the wiser and Rodney is more than happy to keep it that way and under less scrutiny, Rodney locks out the address to the planet. After his post mission check up, he sat by John's side just long enough to berate him for his earlier comment about jinxing them before their mission and then he was gone.

Too many emotions where running like super hyper children in his head. He couldn't stand to see Teyla's concerned look one more time until he can get his head around the events surrounding his should have been death. He should have known that anything concerning Lt. Col. John Sheppard wouldn't be easy, but he had let himself believe stupidly that it could all just go away. Running away is never the right answer and he should know better by now but Rodney just knows that one look at John would unravel all his efforts in keeping up with their story. So he hasn't been back since.

To some form of luck Teyla has been able to divert most of John's attention away from him, giving him the time he needs to recover sort of speak. With Ronon periodically loaming in the background he knows his time is running out. Rodney doesn't like lying to John, hell he had never been good at it to begin with, and John is usually the first to call him on it, but whatever he is telling him seems to be good enough to let him slip through the cracks.

It has been days, he is sure, since their mission and they are still on stand-by. Time is no longer countable to him. The only thing keeping him in motion is his endless supply of coffee that magically appears at his side, he assumes Radek is the cause but he can't be sure and the stimulants he had managed to smuggle out of the infirmary. Rodney can't sleep, because every time he closes his eyes he sees John being struck dead and it frightens him. He has made the mistake of trying to sleep twice now and the images are still fresh as if he were still there; so sleep was now on the end of his list of things to do.

He doesn't regret his decision; he'd do it again in a heartbeat. He's still in shock that he's still alive and that it was all just a test. When they told him this, he was outraged. Sure he didn't want to die, and sure he was curious about the information they could provide him but not at such a price. He almost refused to use the insight just out of principle; but then decided that as long as he has it, it shouldn't go to waste even if it seemed corrupted somehow.

He has been aware of his feelings for John for some time now, but having it put to the test startled him. Never had he ever thought that he'd be compelled to without hesitation give his life up for another and that frightens him. He's pissed at John for the changes he has made in him; things were so much simpler before John Sheppard.

He has come to realize that he'd do just about anything for his team, but John he'd do nothing less than everything. *Damn his squirrely head!* No matter how hard he tries to get away, John creeps back into his thoughts as if he has every right of being there. He's tired, exhausted even, but determination to hide away from his visions of the love of his life lying lifeless in his arms is just too much to bare. So he'll continue to work; falling back on the one thing that has remained constant in his ever changing life.

_That's it! _John huffs standing to go fetch his workaholic scientist from the labs. This is the fourth time in so many days that he has been bailed on for chess and it was high time Rodney takes a break. Whatever insight he received from the weirdo's on P3x-4386 can wait a couple of hours. It is time for things to get back to normal. He has been gracious enough to allow this to go on for this long, seeing the spark in Rodney's eyes at the possibility of ground breaking progress always seems to make him go against his own rules in setting a bed time for him. Rodney tends to forget time when he's working. It's nothing new to John, but when he starts to forget other important things, like say food, or _him, _it's time to close down the party.

John is just walking through his door to do just that when he nearly runs into Ronon like a brick wall someone suddenly put up and it slipped their mind to tell him. "Ronon." John doesn't care what Rodney says, he does not squeak. So he was startled by Ronon's sudden appearance outside his door, so sue him; he was lost in thought.

"Will you run with me?" Ronon asks not quiet meeting his eyes.

John doesn't know how to take that, so it takes him a moment to supply words from his brain to his mouth. Ronon never just asks, he usually orders with it sounding like a request. John looks at his watch and raises a brow. "At 22 hundred hours?"

Ronon shrugs lifting his eyes to Johns for just a moment. "Can't sleep." He replies.

Ronon has been acting out of character for a few days now, which is one reason John hasn't put them back on rotation and not just him, but Teyla too. She has been increasingly insisting that they do that whole forehead touching thing and not that John is complaining or anything but it does raise some questions that he's not sure he knows how to ask. "Uh, sure. Just let me change first." John concedes; his previous mission aborted, for now.

It's not until he gets the call that John decides he's had enough. Six days trailing their strange mission to planet creepy, and now he's going to get some answers. He has to admit that Ronon and Teyla are pretty crafty in their diversions but now he needs to get put in the loop. He's a part of this team for Christ sake! And he'll be damned if they forget.

The call from Keller has his heart racing in adrenalin and in an instant he's out of bed and running like the Wraith are on his heels to the infirmary. "Rodney collapsed." Was all he heard before the ringing in his ears muffled out anything else she could have said.

He knew something was wrong, but for some damn reason he didn't listen to his gut. And now it would appear that he has failed his friend on a massive level. He should have intervened, he should have dragged him away kicking and screaming if it came down to that. Why? Why didn't he? Now look at where he was. Rodney needed him and he was too stupid to listen.

Barreling into the infirmary he spots just four people; Keller being one, Ronon and Teyla and then one other nurse. All eyes are instantly on him, huffing and puffing, not from the run but the lack of air at seeing the pale shadowed form on the bed. "What happened?" He gasps out.

Teyla's the first to respond. Sharing a quick glance towards Ronon, she steps away to lay a hand on his shoulder in what's supposed to be a comforting way; but he's not buying it, not this time. John shrugs off her hand, something that surprises her, because before now, he's never had a reason to be angry with her. "Somebody had better start talking and fast or things are going to get pretty ugly." He growls out at the silence.

His hands are clinched on his hips and he can feel his knuckles turning white without having to look. "It would appear that he hasn't been sleeping or eating properly in days. So that with the mixture of his hypoglycemia shut his body down." Keller's voice is neutral but the underline disappointment still shines through.

"He hasn't slept at all." Ronon's surprisingly regretful tone drawls Johns glare towards him.

"You knew about this?!" John can't hold in his anger for much longer; it was already hanging by a thread as it was. "And what, it slipped your mind to say something?"

"John…" Teyla once again dares her life by reaching out towards him. He saw the flash of hurt pass through Ronon's eyes but at this point he couldn't care less.

John counters her touch by stepping away, hands clinching in and out as if he were holding a stress ball. "No! Don't!" His voice is growing quieter into a cold growl. "Whatever it is you guys have been keeping from me had better make its self known within the next five seconds." Six days since their return, so nearly seven days since Rodney has last slept? How did things get so out of hand?

The nurse he notices makes a quick exit at his tone. He's seeing red from the overwhelming feeling of quilt and betrayal. They were a team, family even; what could possibly cause such a rift? The silence is deafening as his patience is running lower at the sight of down cast eyes and shifty glances. John is just on the verge of yelling some more when a startled gasp comes from Rodney's restless body; clearly jolting himself awake against his body's will. "I'm awake, I'm awake." Rodney mumbles widening his eyes in an attempt to get them to stay open.

In an instant Keller is at his side looking him over with random gadgets. "That's impossible, he shouldn't be awake."

"What do you mean?" John asks ignoring Rodney for a brief moment to try and understand what Keller is on about.

"He shouldn't be awake." She says clicking a light in front of Rodney's eyes. "I gave him a sedative to make sure he rests."

"Well, apparently it wasn't enough." John growls leaning over Rodney to make sure Keller sees the glare that is meant for her.

"Rodney?" Keller snaps her fingers in front of his face to try and capture his attention trying hard to ignore the shaking of her hands at seeing the Colonel so cold. Whatever is going on with this team, she really hates being caught up in the middle of it.

Rodney blinks a few times and shakes his head before focusing his eyes towards her. "What?"

"I need to ask you a few things." Rodney looks at her with determination to hear what she's saying. "When was the last time you slept?"

"I…" He slurs going silent, eyes drooping for a moment before he shakes himself awake again. "Not too long ago."

"Bull shit." Ronon growls crossing his arms over his chest at the sight of John's glare pointed towards him. John gets a bit of a thrill at seeing how uncomfortable he's making his normally fearless friend. But that emotion is set aside bringing his attention once again towards Rodney.

"Rodney," John calls tapping the side of his face to alert him once again before falling back to sleep sitting up. "Meredith, listen to me." Calling him by his first name gains his attention for the moment. "You need to tell me what's going on with you so the Doc can fix you."

"I'm not well?" he asks as if finally realizing that he's in the infirmary instead of his lab.

"No, buddy, you're not." John says. Just looking at Rodney's lost eyes are breaking him in two. "What's going on? Why haven't you slept?" He asks leaning down so he is the sole object of Rodney's attention.

"I keep seeing you." His cryptic response confuses both John and Jennifer.

"I'm right here Rodney." John says gently placing Rodney's hands on his face to make that connection. "See, I'm not going anywhere."

Rodney watches he own hands feel out the sides of John's face as if the information isn't what he was expecting. "But you did." He whispers.

John shoots a glance to Ronon and Teyla before bringing his attention back to Rodney. "Well, I'm here now and I'll be here when you wake up. You need to rest." He tells him seeing Keller inject another dose into his IV from the corner of his eye.

"I'll do it again." Rodney says as his eyes droop close. His hands linger a beat longer before dropping down to his sides.

John touches his forehead to Rodney's trying to bring his emotions down a few notches. _He's going to be ok. _He tells himself, but from what he can see, Rodney just might not be ok once he wakes up. Slowly he rights himself taking a deep breath. Both Teyla and Ronon are looking anywhere than at him and that alone fuels his anger once again. "My office, NOW!" He orders turning to leave. He doesn't have to look behind him to know the two are following.

Not a word was spoken on the way to John's office that is hardly ever used. The tension was rolling off of all three of them enough to clear their path there. The reason for John choosing his office was a strategic move. The distance there gave him enough time to calm down to where he can speak with them without the use of his gun. It's also out of the way from others so if things did get ugly it would be private. The last thing John needs is to bring in reinforcements to break up a fight between him and his team.

"Sit." His command voice broke no argument as he went around his desk to keep a barrier between them.

Ronon and Teyla share a look before complying. "I'm telling him." Ronon tells Teyla who only nods in agreement.

"Good, because I'd hate to see what would happen if you don't." John tells them crossing his arms over his chest to hide the shaking of his anger.

"Do you know of the warrior code?" Ronon starts out finally looking up to meet John's eyes. When John doesn't answer Ronon continues. "When a warrior gives another his dying wish it has to be seen through to honor them and their passing."

"What does this have to do with Rodney?" John asks hating getting the run around when he just wants a clear answer.

Teyla holds up a hand to silence the both of them. "Your memory of the incident is vague, am I correct?"

John nods not able to even recall how he got knocked out in the first place. "That is the point here."

"The man in the white robe shot you with a beam of light." Teyla starts to explain John's missing pieces. "Whatever he did, you were nonresponsive. You had no breath and no pulse for many minutes." Teyla sees the widening of John's eyes at this but he doesn't say anything so she continues. "Rodney, to say the lease, was upset."

"He scared even me." Ronon pipes in as the two of them fall back on the memory of Rodney's voice.

"He demanded that you be brought back in exchange for him."

"He even scared the white bastard." Ronon says more to himself.

"I have never heard such emotion in Rodney's voice before." Teyla confirms Ronon's words.

"He demanded that you be brought back first." Ronon goes on to tell John. "He begged us not to tell you what happened. And since it was his dying wish I had to honor that." Ronon tries to explain.

"But he came back." John insists; his words icy cold. Ronon nodded his head in shame for either John's sake or Rodney's, John doesn't know.

"For what we got from Rodney when he returned nearly an hour later, is that it was a test that many had failed before and that Rodney had passed the test and so was given the knowledge they were guarding." Teyla finished.

"And Rodney?"

"He was returned unharmed."

"So why the secrecy?" John huffs out. "Why not tell me what happened instead of keeping it from me? I could have helped him!"

Ronon's bowed head finally snapped up. "I was keeping my word." He growls back. "He didn't want you to know because he didn't want to upset you."

"Damn right I'm upset!" John yells back hands lowering to his hips, but he keeps them there to make sure he doesn't reach for his gun. "You all lied to me. We are a team and I thought more. I trusted you too."

"We were afraid for Rodney." Teyla spoke up. "He was not unharmed emotionally and we felt it best for him not to see you upset. It hurt him greatly seeing you pass before his eyes. We were trying to honor his wishes he had made us promise to keep."

"What am I supposed to do when I don't know what he needs?" John asks running his hands over his eyes in frustration. "A simple thank you isn't going to do especially when I didn't want him to do that. It's my job to protect him."

Teyla rises from her seat to look John in the eye. "His nightmares, I believe, are what are causing him to not sleep. He needs to know that you are alive. I do not believe he is convinced."

"Then why didn't he come to me when I didn't know what was happening?" John asks back.

"Fear." Ronon says standing as well. John looks to him seeing the respect shining within Ronon's dark eyes. What Rodney did back on that planet won over the greatest respect Ronon can give him.

"Fear of what?"

"Seeing you or not seeing you." Ronon's cryptic response has John's insides twisting. Trying to put himself in Rodney's shoes is easier than he'd like to admit.

The silence is thick until the call came over John's ear piece. "Yes?"

*Colonel, Rodney's asking to return to his room.* Came Keller's solemn response. She waits for John's answer, possibly fearful of his anger.

"I'll send Ronon and Teyla." He says with a sigh signing off. He wants to be there but he knows in his current state of mind that he'll only be able to say something that will make things worse. He needs time to himself to think things through.

"We'll make sure he gets there." Ronon tells John exiting the office without a backwards glance.

Teyla holds back. "It was not our intension to lie to you John. Because we have the deepest respect for you both, we hope that one day Ronon and I can regain the trust you have lost in us." She tells him with before bowing out to follow Ronon.

After sitting on the pier for what seemed like forever considering both Teyla and Ronon's words, John made his way angrily towards Rodney's room. He couldn't wrap his brain around the whole situation. It hurts more than he thought this would, finding out his whole team lied to him. Sure they had a point, that he'd get upset, and he was, more so of himself. The fact that they felt the need to protect him from the truth made him feel guilty somehow, like he was letting them down as a leader. He can handle bad situations; after all they happen on a too regular basis.

But this, this was personal. John doesn't know when things had changed, or if it has always been this way from the beginning, but Rodney, Rodney was personal. Teyla and Ronon were high on his list but Rodney has somehow wiggled his way to the very top. He can't imagine life without the man, it's too incomprehensible.

When John woke up in the infirmary to see the sadden expressions upon his teams face, he knew something had happened. Of course Teyla smiled and told him to get some rest in which his body gave no room for protest. Seeing Ronon walking away after his eyes refused to meet his sent alarm bells off in his head that something was wrong, but he couldn't hang onto consciousness long enough to ask.

John woke the second time to the feeling of someone holding his hand. Something inside him fluttered when he forced his eyes open to see that it was Rodney. He squeezed his hand to let him know that he was awake and held on tighter when Rodney tried to pull away. Rodney's ever expressive blue eyes caught his attention right away. "What's wrong?" he remembers his raspy voice from disuse, asked.

"For the record, you are never allowed to say that phrase ever again!" Rodney's glare matched his tone that John has long ago become immune to.

Instead of his normal snarky comeback that was on the edge of his tongue, John lowered his gaze to their joined hands and sighed. "Sorry."

"Yeah well, fine." Rodney sulked, unconsciously rubbing his thumb over the top of John's hand. It felt good; something that he had never thought another man's hand would feel like. Rodney has nice warm hands and when it suddenly disappeared, John felt cold all over. "I have to get back to work." He said with eyes diverted.

John has that same sinking feeling he got from Ronon earlier on. "Did you get the information?"

Rodney turned sideways in mid step from leaving and sighed. "Yeah, I'm going to be busy so I won't see you for a while. I'll give you an update." And with that he was gone, sadly absent into the depths of his lab until now.

Keller had released him back to his room with stick orders not to leave for at least two days. Following an examination, he may be able to return to work. Teyla and Ronon took it upon themselves to walk him to his room, John himself had disappeared after hearing what really happened on that planet in fear that he may say something that will inevitably come back to bite him in the ass.

'He needs you to show him you are alive.' Teyla had said. 'I believe that he is not convinced.' What did that mean anyway? He was here, he was alive, and Rodney had multiple chances to see for himself, or did he forget being in the infirmary with him when he woke up. _He _ wasn't the one avoiding him. That was all Rodney. _He _never asked him to offer up his life in exchange for his. Rodney had no right! John was the military commander, he's just a civilian. It is _his_ job to take the hit, not his.

John is fuming with anger and rage and ready to remind Rodney of his position by the time he reaches his door. He doesn't give any announcement of his presences, just barges right in with his name on the tip of his tongue ready and reeling to go in a yelling match to end all yelling matches. But at the sight of the darkened room and the labored breathing coming from Rodney's bed has him deflate in record time.

"John, no John, don't. Come back, come back." Rodney's whispered cries have John leaning against the closed door in shock at the sound of his name. The desperation behind the tears has him frozen to that spot. Rodney is clearly wrapped up in a night terror trembling and thrashing at his minds memories. "Bring him back, NOW!"

John has never witnessed the great Rodney McKay cry. He has never imagined the possibility of it happening. At the knowledge that he was the source of his tears caused his legs to buckle and suddenly he was kneeling on the ground short of breath.

"I love him and I'd gladly take his place, _please_!" Rodney's gasping request was followed by a breathy 'John' before he goes silent and still once more.

He said he loved him. Rodney loves him! So he did the stupidest, bravest thing because he loves John; was willing to sacrifice himself just so that he could live. John sits back on his butt in awe. His best friend will never cease to amaze him. Every time he thinks he has him pegged, Rodney would turn around and do something so selfless that even trained marines probably wouldn't be able to pull off.

John's spark of calm shatters at the realization of the pain he had put Rodney through. There has been many nights where he himself would be in the same position Rodney is in now. Since being on Atlantis, John has had many nightmare filled nights from losing people, but none of those nights could compare to the nights where Rodney was personally involved. If he was honest with himself, any time that Rodney would end up in the infirmary after a mission gone bad, John wouldn't sleep for days or until Rodney is released from the infirmary. In the past, seeing Rodney back in the lab proved that everything was right in the world. Only then could he have his own mental break down before a good night's sleep could even be a possibility. This is his preferred method. And it has seemed to serve him well so far.

Rodney as it would appear has a more drastic method of dealing. Not eating, not sleeping and just hiding away in his work in hopes that the overwhelming feeling of dread will somehow magically resolve its self. And this is far beyond ok with John. It is his responsibility to take care of his team; Rodney more so than the others. Rodney needs him just as much as John needs Rodney. How many times do they need to be proven that before they get the hint? Well, now he has and he's going to fix this messed up relationship they have, right now! Rodney needs to know that he's not the only one suffering here and that it's not ok for one of them to be gone for the other to live on. Never again, will he take such risks without thinking of Rodney first. Rodney has been trying to tell him for years and John finally understands. You shouldn't doubt the smartest man in two galaxies.

John sits back for an unknown period of time wading through his thoughts and feelings. So much has changed within the past week or perhaps not, maybe everything has just been brought into the light. And boy is it a bright light. No longer are they considered separate. They are in fact one. John can finally admit to himself that if something were to happen to Rodney, he'd not want to stick around afterwards. It may be a weakness to allow one person to hold his life within their hands but the benefits outweigh the rest. He is no longer alone. He can share his burden with another as they can do with him. Teams are stronger than one. His team may be in shambles at the moment but he is determined to make the other half stronger.

It takes Rodney shooting up in bed in panic to move John off of the floor. He's by his side in a heartbeat. He's hyperventilating and trembling as the cold sweat slowly dries on his skin. John stares into unseeing eyes as he pulls Rodney's face to him bringing them nose to nose. "Breathe, breathe, it's alright, it's over." He rambles on as Rodney clinches onto John's wrists. It hurts but it reminds him that they are both alive and he won't deprive Rodney of the same feeling.

"No more drugs." Rodney pants out. His warm breath sends shivers down John's spine. "It's too hard to wake up."

"No more, it's alright." John tells him following Rodney's thought process. In the infirmary, Keller tried to help him sleep but they seem to have only made it worse for him by forcing him to endure the images within his mind.

"John?" Rodney asks finally grasping who is with him and where he is at.

"Yeah, Rodney it's me. I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

Rodney takes a deep breath letting it out slowly in an attempt to push his panic aside. His grip on John's wrist loosens but he doesn't let go. "You know." He doesn't ask.

John sighs unsure of which part he is referring to. "Yes, I know."

"I told them you weren't ignorant." Rodney tells him in a whisper.

"Apparently I am." John goes against that statement. Rodney holds his gaze waiting to for an explanation. "It took me too long to realize." Once again it's a statement that can mean many things. "I'm sorry." John whispers brushing Rodney's tears away with his thumbs.

"No." Rodney protests. His breath hitches in his throat. "I'm sorry, but maybe not for what you think. I'd do it again." He says bringing meaning to what he'd mumbled in the infirmary. Now John knows what he was talking about. "I'm not sorry for that. I'm sorry…"

"Look." John stops him. "Less just call it even and move on from there. BUT, for now on, we need a set of ground rules." He stops to pet Rodney's sweaty bangs back from his face taking in just the sight of him, here and alive, the both of them.

"Ground rules?" Rodney questions, his eyes falling shut at the feel of John touching his face.

"I haven't a list yet, but the first one on the list is going to be that we go together. Not one for the other. We either go together or we don't go at all, 'cause _I _can't lose you either." He tells him looking at him straight on. John's willing those three little words to come through his eyes. He may not be able to say them out loud, but he means them just the same right now.

Rodney sags into John's arms in relief, the message came across loud and clear. He has known John for far too long to not be able to read him. "Deal." He mumbles into John's shoulder gripping his hands into John's shirt at his waist.

John rubs Rodney's back in contempt at finally having things said between them, in not so many words. "Come on. You need to rest." He tells him pulling out of Rodney's embrace. Rodney looks startled as John stands to pull off his boots. "Lay down. It's ok." John cups the side of Rodney's face. "I'll tell you as many times as you need me to, I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay as long as you need me to."

"I'll always need you." Rodney tells him pulling John into a kiss.

John's shocked at first but quickly gets with the program and kisses Rodney back with just the right amount of desperation. It goes on until they are both breathless, but John has to stop them there. If the dark rings under Rodney's eyes weren't enough, the shaking in his arms from fatigue was. With one last light kiss to Rodney's forehead, John pulls away to finish undressing down to his boxers and t-shirt. "Sleep now, then we can continue."

"Promise?" Rodney asks falling back onto the bed, too tired but doesn't want to admit it.

John climbs into bed with him pulling the blankets up to cover them both, with Rodney curled close to his side and head on his shoulder. John gives him a tight squeeze before relaxing. "Promise."


End file.
